"What's Wrong With Me?"
It’s one of the most common questions people carry into my office.
They don’t always say it out loud.
Sometimes it sounds like...
“Why do I keep doing this?”
“Why can’t I stop worrying?”
“Why do I keep pushing people away?”
“Why do I feel like I’m too much... or somehow never enough?”
Sometimes people don’t have words for it at all.
They simply carry the quiet fear that something inside them is fundamentally broken.
If you’ve ever wondered that...
I want you to know something.
I don’t think that’s the right question.
I Wonder If There's A Better Question.
Instead of asking,
“What’s wrong with me?”
I wonder what might happen if we asked,
“What happened that made this response make so much sense?”
Not because every painful response is healthy.
Not because understanding something excuses the ways we sometimes hurt ourselves or one another.
Understanding isn’t the same thing as excusing.
But when we become curious about why something developed...
we begin to see that many of the things we dislike most about ourselves didn't appear out of nowhere.
They often began as ways of protecting something tender.
And when we understand that...
compassion becomes possible.
This Is Why Attachment Matters.
Attachment helps us understand how those ways of protecting ourselves came to make so much sense.
Long before we had words for what we were experiencing,
our hearts were learning.
Learning what felt safe.
Learning what felt dangerous.
Learning whether someone would come when we needed them.
Learning whether our feelings were welcome.
Learning what we had to do to stay connected...
and what we had to do when connection didn’t feel safe.
Those lessons don’t simply disappear because we grow up.
We carry them with us.
Into friendships.
Into marriage.
Into the way we handle conflict.
Into the way we ask for what we need — or decide it’s safer not to ask at all.
That’s why attachment matters.
It gives us a way to understand the story underneath the things we do now.
Not so we can blame the past.
Not so we can excuse the ways we sometimes hurt ourselves or one another.
But so we can begin to understand:
Of course this made sense somewhere along the way.
And when we understand that...
we have somewhere new to begin.
Our Hearts Don't All Learn the Same Lessons.
Some hearts learn,
“I have to work hard to keep people close.”
So they become very good at noticing distance.
A change in someone’s voice.
A little less warmth.
A text that goes unanswered.
And sometimes they reach harder for connection when they’re afraid they might lose it.
Other hearts learn,
“It’s safer if I don’t need anyone.”
So they become very good at taking care of themselves.
At keeping difficult feelings contained.
At stepping back when things become too intense.
And sometimes distance feels safer than depending on someone who might disappoint them.
Some hearts learn that closeness is something they desperately want...
and something they aren’t entirely sure they can trust.
And some are fortunate enough to learn that people can be dependable.
That needs can be expressed.
That conflict doesn’t have to mean the relationship is in danger.
These are often called attachment patterns.
But I don’t see them as labels.
I see them as ways our hearts learned to navigate relationships.
Ways that once made sense.
Ways that may still be trying very hard to protect us.
And these patterns don’t change simply because we understand them.
Our hearts need new experiences.
Experiences of being known and still welcomed.
Of reaching and finding someone there.
Of having needs without losing connection.
Of staying present when something feels difficult.
Of discovering that closeness can become safer than it once was.
Over time, those new experiences begin to teach our hearts something new.
Because what was learned in relationship can also be healed in relationship.
Attachment-Based Therapy: Why Attachment Shows Up Everywhere
The lessons our hearts learned early often continue shaping the relationships we're living today.
They can influence...
how easily we receive love.
How we respond when someone is disappointed with us.
Whether asking for help feels safe...
or frightening.
Whether we reach for someone when we're hurting...
or pull away.
Whether we assume the people we love will stay...
or find ourselves bracing for them to leave.
Whether closeness feels comforting...
or somehow a little dangerous.
Most of the time, we don't even realize these old lessons are at work.
We simply think,
“This is just who I am.”
But often...
it isn't simply who you are.
It's something your heart learned.
Something that once made sense.
Attachment based therapy in Colorado Springs offers a way to understand those old lessons with compassion rather than judgment.
And when we begin to recognize those old lessons as they're showing up in our
relationships now...
we have an opportunity for something different to happen.
Not simply because we understand the pattern.
But because relationship gives us a place to experience something new.
There Is Hope.
The things our hearts learned in relationship
can also be changed in relationship.
Not all at once.
And not simply because we decide to do things differently.
But through new experiences.
Experiences of reaching...
and finding someone there.
Of being known...
and still being welcomed.
Of discovering that conflict doesn't always mean disconnection.
That our needs aren't too much.
That closeness can become safer.
And over time, something begins to change.
Our hearts learn something new.
We begin to experience ourselves differently.
We begin to experience other people differently.
And the old ways of protecting ourselves don't have to work quite so hard
anymore.
This is what gives me so much hope.
Because the story isn't finished.
Our hearts are still learning.
And healing can happen in relationship—
with the people who love us,
within ourselves,
and, for those who desire it, in our relationship with God.
What was learned in relationship
can be healed in relationship.